Dedication TO TRACY - MY WIFE “Healing doesn’t happen in the hiding.” Not sure where I read or heard that… But I am living proof that it is true. For many years after my business collapse, I thought I was successfully getting over the trauma. I pushed down the thoughts of failure and just ran at life Mach 5 as if I had something to prove to myself and the world. Somehow I bought into the lie that time alone can heal wounds. Just avoid and ignore, and “things” will be alright. But my wife, Tracy, never shared that camp with me. Turns out, she was the smarter one. She knew that the broken can’t heal without a healer. She knew I was crushed to my very core but still aimlessly trying to piece together the wreckage on my own. She hurt for me and she hurt with me. I guess that’s what real love does. While she waited, she prayed for me to realize I needed to face my demons before my wounds could heal. So babe, this book is dedicated to you. I owe you everything. You could have left but you chose to stay. You could have screamed but you stayed soft. You could have buckled under the pressure, but you somehow stayed strong. You are the true hero in all of this. May this book help change lives the way you helped change mine. I love you. CONTENTS Foreword: I Was There 1 Author’s Note: Why You Need This Book 4 Chapter 1: My Confession 5 Chapter 2: Opening 15 Chapter 3: But Why? 27 Chapter 4: Decision 39 Chapter 5: It’s Time 49 Chapter 6: Make It Personal 59 Chapter 7: How About You? 65 Appendix A: User Guide / Study 72 Appendix B: Quotable Quotes / Index 90 Free Resources FOREWORD I Was There I have had breakfast with Dave Fleet almost every month for the past twenty years. We talk about hunting, fishing, our kids, our faith. Dave is one of the most straightforward, genuinely caring people I know. He is also one of the most honest — which is exactly why I think you should read this book. I was there when his world fell apart. I watched a man who had built something significant see it collapse under him. I watched him walk through shame, financial ruin, and a legal nightmare that threatened to take everything — including his family’s future. And I watched him wrestle with God in a way that most people only do in private, if they do it at all. Here is what I never saw: I never saw Dave walk away. He was angry. He had questions he couldn’t answer. There were sea- 1 Disappointing Grace sons where I am certain his prayers felt like they were bouncing off the ceiling. But he never stopped believing that God was somewhere in the wreckage — even when he couldn’t find Him. That is the book you are holding. There is a hymn most of us know by heart: “Amazing grace! How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; Was blind, but now I see.” — John Newton, 1779 What fewer people remember is the third verse: “Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; ‘tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.” John Newton — the man who wrote the most famous song about grace ever written — didn’t describe grace as a shield that keeps the hard things away. He described it as the thing that leads you through them. Safely. Eventually. Home. That distinction matters enormously when you are in the middle of a storm and wondering why God isn’t stopping it. Dave didn’t write this book from a comfortable distance. He wrote it from inside the fire. And the title he chose — Disappointing Grace — is not a theological statement. It is an honest one. It is the admission 2 Foreword most of us are afraid to make out loud: that there are moments when God’s grace feels like it isn’t enough. That we expected more. That we prayed and begged and believed — and the answer we needed never came the way we wanted it to. If you have never felt that way, this book may not be for you. But if you have — if you are sitting right now in a season where God feels distant, silent, or simply not doing what you know He is capable of doing — then I want you to know something before you read a single chapter. You are not alone. Your doubt does not disqualify you. And the God you are frustrated with? He can handle it. Dave Fleet is not a theologian. He is not writing to impress you with scholarship or correct your doctrine. He is writing because he made it through something that should have broken him, and he genuinely cannot keep it to himself. I believe God will meet you in these pages. I believe He will speak into your disappointment in ways that surprise you. And I believe that by the time you finish this short, honest book, you will find — as John Newton did, as Dave did, as I have in my own hard seasons — that grace has been present all along. It just doesn’t always look the way we expected. Keep reading. Rev. Dr. Matthew Pickering Friend, pastor of pastors, and fellow traveler 3 AUTHOR’S NOTE Why You Need This Book I vowed to never write another book. Then “life” happened. And it almost destroyed me. When I finally made it out the other side of the gauntlet, I knew at some point I needed to talk about the dark, doubting thoughts I had survived… ones that nearly everyone has at some point in their life. These are the hard things most of us try to hide and even deny are festering inside us. But this is what I know…. Those haunting thoughts are indeed there. And in our weakest moments they scream at us through the broken silence. And that silence is deafening. I welcome you to the journey. Welcome to Disappointing Grace. Crack it open and come along with me. It might not be like anything you have ever read. That’s on purpose. I didn’t want it to be. If you never expected life to be as hard as yours is right now, this short read will lead you to the medicine you need. 4 CHAPTER 1 My Confession “D ad, have you got a minute?” It seems over the years, my serious Dad/son conversations started this way. I think my father learned that I don’t often bypass small talk to get right to the heart of the matter. So this particular morning, I am sure from his Florida home he sat up a little straighter, put his book down on his lap, and readied himself for a “heart pour” from his second son. And I did not disappoint. Life was pulling me through a meat grinder. Have you ever been there? Are you there now? If so, keep reading or listening, my friend. Not because misery loves company. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. When we are miserable we don’t want like-minded, “woe is me” companionship. We want a corner on the sympathy market all to ourselves. We want to whine and spill our guts and have all listeners feel sorry for us. And that was me on this hopeless morning. 5 Disappointing Grace In short, my business of fifteen years had collapsed and I was about to lose everything, partly because of my own decisions and partly due to factors out of my control. Who or what was to blame didn’t matter anymore. When you are truly desperate, the future becomes the present and the present becomes the future. My ship was going down and I was the only person on the planet who knew it. Here I was in my mid-forties and about to be broke. And I had to tell my wife that our family was about to get hit by a wrecking ball. I needed advice. I needed support. I needed someone, anyone, to tell me they still believed in me. I needed my Dad. I had alluded to impending business issues in other chats with him over the last few months. But this was different and my father sensed it. Dad listened without interrupting as I told him I didn’t know how to tell Tracy (my wife) that I didn’t want us to be poor. That I didn’t want my kids to go without. That I didn’t want my reputation tarnished. I complained that the legal team chasing me had it wrong about my intentions. I told him I might even have to go to prison because of a technicality in the law that I didn’t even understand. I told him how I was afraid to go to bed because my heart was palpitating so furiously that I feared dying in my sleep. I let everything out. I held back nothing. And Dad just listened. Then, as I helplessly wept to him, Dad softly said, “I love you, son”. But then he said something that at first actually made me angry. “Son, this is exactly what I have been praying for.” Even though well over a decade ago, I still remember thinking, “What? I am your son and you want me on the edge of a breakdown? You have been praying for my life to completely unravel? What kind of 6 My Confession a father does that?” I thought about saying those things… But I didn’t. Frankly, Dad didn’t give me a chance. He proceeded to say how as he had been praying for me over several months, he realized I would have to come “to the end of myself” before I could get better. He knew I was a self-made, prideful, money maker and fixer of problems. Others came to me for solutions, not the other way around. And no one ever saw me sweat. Until now. With confident yet soft-hearted compassion, my father said, “Dave, after we hang up, get down on your knees and tell God exactly what you just told me. He won’t be surprised. And He won’t be angry. I am guessing He has been waiting for the exact same thing that I have. You need Jesus to come carry you, Dave. Cry to Him son, just like you have to me. And just watch what God does.” What my Dad didn’t understand was that I was privately angry at God. I had been praying, reading my Bible, asking God to show me a way out of my mess. I was still tithing and attending church. And I fully believed that any day now, God was going to just work everything out. But He didn’t. I heard no answers to my prayers and I was out of options. I was weary of hearing and reading Bible verses saying, “Be strong and courageous” (Joshua 1:9) or “My grace is all you need” (2 Corinthians 12:9), without it bringing results. And to be blunt, I didn’t think I could survive another minute with only God’s grace. I didn’t want His grace to see me through another day in the storm. I needed God 7 Disappointing Grace to stop the storm. Like David cried out in Psalms numerous times, “God, save me… deliver me from my enemies!” That was me. My heart was screaming, “God, do you even give a rip about what I am going through here? Why aren’t you helping me?!” So let me ask again… “Have you ever been there? Are you there now?” At 62 years old, allow me to let you in on something. We ALL have been there. And if you haven’t been, you will be. I have lived enough life that I can say with certainty… No one is immune from despair and brokenness. We all take our turn at the bottom of the pile. It’s the human condi- tion. It’s just a part of life. I know, I know… if you are in the middle of your “bottom of the pile” experience, knowing others have and will take their turn is little con- solation. You probably don’t even care, right? You likely have prayed for God to fix it, whatever your “it” situation is… It may be you are desperate for a new employer to call with a job offer, or the cancer screening to come back clear, or the prodigal child you haven’t heard from contact you. Maybe you battle addiction and just want to be clean. The list goes on and on in this messy thing called life, doesn’t it? And let me guess, you sit alone at times, secretly doubting God even cares. And the last thing you wanna hear is that God’s grace is sufficient. Because at this 8 My Confession moment you wonder if it even is. I beg you to come out of your silent isolation and take a journey with me. Here is a fundamental question I want you to answer. In fact, if you want to experience a breakthrough in your life, your starting point needs to be answering with vulnerability and honesty. Here it is. Can God’s grace ever be disappointing? Can His grace, ever, disappoint us? And before you burn me in effigy or label me a heretic, hear me out. I mean, let’s face it, at this very moment you are either listening to or have opened up a short book entitled “Disappointing Grace”. So in at least a small way you are drawn to peeling back this topic you privately wonder about. So let’s answer the question, “Can God’s grace ever be disappointing?” I will go first. I will creep out on the limb and answer the question while you cling to the trunk holding onto a chain saw. Yes, I have had disappointing grace moments. There have been two separate times in my life that I cried out in numbing desperation to God. I remember one time literally screaming at God that I didn’t want His grace when I woke up in the morning. I needed him to miraculously intervene and give me just that, a miracle, by fixing my situation. I couldn’t, or so I thought, fight through another day. You might say, “It sounds like you were mad at God. It sounds like you doubted God. Wow, sounds like you had a spiritual anger issue 9 Disappointing Grace melt down.” And my answers would be, yes, yes and yes. But do you know what I discovered? And this may shock you. Jesus was ok with it. Jesus came into the middle of my brokenness, my questions, and yes even my anger, and whispered to my heart that it is ok, and He still loves me, and He never left me, and He will somehow use all I was going through for good if I will let Him. I just needed to trust, hold on, and do a few very practical things to somehow keep standing amidst the storm I was convinced was killing me. So, yes, in our humanness, grace can be disappointing at times. That’s why I titled the book the way I did. And that is why the subtitle is, “When Desperate Prayers Go Unanswered”. Stay on this short journey with me. Do I have all the answers? No. But I do have a few. And those few, along with spiritual revelation, will assuredly get you to the other side of your despair. In the next couple hours your mindset and focus can be radically changed. You can and will find hope… But only if you want it. I will show you simple, defined steps to support and healing. Do you want them? Today can be the last day you feel alone and abandoned. And you can come out the other side in a positive place you never thought possible. Keep reading or listening. Your personal plan of action is going to 10 My Confession take shape, and it is going to take shape today. Chin up, broken warrior… Reinforcements are on their way. WORTH CONSIDERING List your own personal disappointing grace moments. Did you share them with anyone? See Appendix A for your Reader’s Guide / Study Get your free personal, one-on-one or group study workbook at COMING SOON... 11 Have you ever prayed desperately and heard nothing? Welcome to what author Dave Fleet calls a Disappointing Grace moment. If you’ve ever wondered where God is in the middle of your mess, this book has your name on it. Dave was the guy everyone came to for answers—until his own life blew up. Facing loss, shame, and silence from God, he nearly gave up. This is the simple roadmap God used to help him climb out. Raw, direct, and honest, Dave shares the story of watching his large-scale business collapse, facing federal criminal charges, and sitting in a lawyer’s office shaking while being told his life was about to be destroyed—and asking God why He wasn’t doing anything about it. Standing in the wreckage, he found a different kind of grace. In Disappointing Grace you will discover: • Why your doubt—and even anger at God—might be the very doorway He’s been waiting for you to walk through • The three paths every broken person faces, and how two of them quietly poison your soul • Honest, realistic and simple action steps you can use today—even with ZERO strength left—to begin getting your life back Dave Fleet built a multimillion-dollar company, lost it all, nearly quit — but then found God in the ashes. He was put back together by Jesus, a faithful wife, and people who refused to let him stay broken. Now he spends his life helping others 13find their way back. This is that story.